Published February 21, 2006
he gave me hope
a few stollen kisses and so much more than that
but where is he now?
my love is gone and i feel he was a rat.
for there were no commitment songs
no pledges gave him me
and now i see the truth beneath
a sun on broken sea
a glass charade, a laughing stock
my love was but a joke
i see the smiling eyes of those
beneath a wanting smoke
they wish me choke on such a thing
all eyes which pray on such a sight
but i see now those idle few
those demons in all their delight.
so laugh you fools i bid you do
i wait for you to smile
for now i know just what you are
and it is no beguile.
go laugh it up i want you to
please do so i will wait
for as you laugh with eyes closed shut
i stand determining your fate
you stupid few i wish to you
all good fortune you might sell
in that deep wonderland of fire and dreams
and nightmares found in hell.
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Woo, you really need to work on your grammar.
This seems too... obvious for poetry. Too blunt. I'm sure you could figure out a better (and less plain) way to say it.
I agree with all the comments above. There is potential here, but you need to work on not forcing your rhyming. I felt like you were trying to hard to rhyme in the first stanza, but eventually eased into it, thus the rhyming becoming less forced.
Firstly 'stollen' is 'stolen' with one L. As said above, your last line was awkward, but I also found the second half of your 2nd line a little strange. It's not terrible, but think about being more specific there or rephrasing it.
I don't think you need the 'for' at the beginning here; it makes the line sound somewhat cluttered. Your 2nd line was a little confusing. Do you mean no pledges gave him to you or he gave you no pledges? From the way you phrased, it sounds like no pledges gave him to you, so in that cse, I suggest saying 'no pledges gave him to me' to lessen possibility of confusion here. Actually, I liked your last line, but I think you should rephrase it to say 'a sun upon the broken sea'
Your first 2 lines were excellent! Good job. I liked this stanza. The only thing I noticed was your repetition of the preposition 'beneath'. You used it in the stanza above and I don't know if it was intentional, but just watch out for that kind of repetition.
Your 1st line was worded strangely. You might want to rephrase it. Saying 'they wish to see me choke on such a thing'. I know that doesn't fit the rhythm, but was just giving an example. Your 2nd lines was good, but I think you mean 'prey' instead of 'pray'. Pray is speaking to God; prey is feeding upon (these aren't exact dictionary definitions, but should be close... ). Your 3rd line was good, but still worded strangely. I suggest saying 'but now I see those idle few' 'cause it sounds more natural and less forced. Besides that, this stanza was pretty good.
Your 1st line was awkward and forced, so rephrasing that would be good. Your 2nd and 3rd lines were pretty good, nice job. As xantham gum stated, your last line was also awkward. If you want to keep beguile, it would be less awkward to say 'I am not beguiled'. Doesn't exactly rhyme, but it isn't as awkward as 'and it is no beguile' because beguile is usually used as a verb.
I didn't see the point in the words 'it up' after laugh in the 1st line. Laugh what up? Also, your 1st line seemed like a run-on. 'go laugh it up I want to'? Do you mean 'go laugh it up IF you want to'? 'go laugh it up; I want you to'? Your 2nd line was only okay. What are you waiting for? Your 3rd line was a good idea, but 'eyes closed shut' sounded really awkward and seemed to force the rhyme. You can say 'eyes squeezed shut', but 'eyes closed shut' doesn't make much sense. Last line was haunting, very cool.
Firstly you need a comma, after 'few' in the first line 'cause it's a direct address and 'stupid' didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. I suggest a difference adjective there. The rest of this stanza, I thought was great. Good, strong conclusion.
To improve this poem, I suggest working on more natural phrasing, less-forced rhyming and more creative word choice. There were a few verbs in here that I felt could have been stronger (though I didn't have time to point them out), so just read over your poem and think about what words would more strongly convey your image. Don't go searching through a dictionary and find the longest, most ridiculous words (like defenstration... I never knew there was a specific verb for throwing somone out a window...
Nicely done, good job here and please keep writing.
PM me if you have any questions...
i know, i really that the "rat" line.
thanks for the input!
good in its own unlogical way
You wrote:
my love is gone and i feel he was a rat.
I feel that this just throws the story of the poem off. You need more punctuation too. Good job though.
awkward lines:
this paragraph is useless and redundant:
otherwise, with a better ending, this could be really good.
"wanting smoke" and "glass charade" was great.